Sasha couldn't be certain if this was really working on Rhys. The spells. She was doing her best to be a good wife. All though, the sex stuff was being a bit much to manage, lately. Perhaps it was because it wasn't that far off to the baby's due date. But the sooner it came the better, she kept telling herself as she'd sweeten Rhys tea as if maybe he'd stay to adore her.
Of course, she got him to do so many things for her in their room. Possibly, it was out of shame. She didn't know. But it felt nice to waited on. She guessed. Seriously, she didn't think she knew how to enjoy it entirely since most of her life had been spent waiting on others.
There always seemed to be one more thing she wished she'd wished for with Rhys. Why was it like that? She did love him, didn't she? She thought she did. She'd fancied him forever, it felt. And now that she had him, it didn't seem quite real to her.
"Maybe I should read to you," he said in one of her little insecure bouts.
"What?" She looked at him as if he were out of his mind. She didn't want a robot.
"Seriously, what do you have in mind?" She wondered, Cat in the hat?
"Chubby bear goes to the Moon." He pulled out the board book. "I loved it when I was wee little thing."
Sasha sighed. He wanted to read to the baby. She smiled. How thoughtful. They were on the right track. She had to talk herself into believing it. She wanted to trust him. She did. But could she?
She thought of what Jamie had told her. She needed to be open with him. About everything. It felt so risky. Sasha thought it was best to let it go, and yet it chewed at every thought she had wondering when the time would come when she'd be alone. Just she and the baby. It was if she was counting the days.
Rhys read about Chubby bear, and she was pondering where he'd go once he left. She hated these feeling. She wanted to be happy, but it made her sick to know she couldn't have faith in him. She couldn't.
"Sash, you don't seem yourself," Rhys said.
"You don't seem yourself." She snapped back with her arms crossed.
"What is it?" He was tense too. He didn't even finish reading the story.
"Do you regret marrying me?" She frowned.
"No," Rhys said. "Of course not."
"Do you regret you never had a chance with- with Frannie?" She looked up at him from her chair.
"Why are we discussing this?"
"Because I never gave you a choice." Tears flooded her eyes. "I never did because you would have never chosen me."
"I can't believe you'd think it." Rhys squinted. "It was just a one off. That's all it was."
"You wanted her, just the same." Sasha knew.
"Yes." His eyes lit. "I had her. It was enough. Enough! All right." He turned away then.
"I want us to be happy." Tears streamed down her face. "I do. Its just I can't trust you. Then I end up not even trusting myself. Its-its this vicious cycle. And I know I don't like myself anymore than I like you."
"Why are saying this?" Now she could see Rhys was crying too. He bent down on his knees then at the side of chair where she was and took her hand. "I knew the first time I saw you, you weren't like any of the rest. You weren't. And I told myself, I'm going to try really hard to be a mate. Someone you could confide in. Some one you could count on, but I was attracted to you too. Then I kept thinking, you wouldn't want me. You knew the real me. You know what a player I am. And, and then when it felt like all the world was lost. After everything with Beth and even my friendship with Gilly's never been the same. I knew what I wanted. And it was you."
Sasha looked at Rhys. She knew he was telling the truth. She believed him.
"I'm sorry for what I did. That I hurt you. But I only feel at home where you are. Not any place else. And Frannie is in a good place. Don't you think?" Rhys then said.
Sasha smiled, nodded slightly. It was time to stop rehashing the past and think of the future. It would be here before she knew it.
Day 18 -nanowrimo
3 days ago