Thursday, April 16, 2009

where to go

When Ian woke with a jolt, he forgot where he was.

Oh yeah, he thought, it was all coming back to him. Sort of.

He remembered how miserable he felt when he heard the news from Sasha about the baby. It was as if she'd injected poison in to his system.

Why had she done it? Why couldn't things be just plain and simple with her. She was such a mystery to him, still. It felt as if he'd had a spasm of some sort. And then to walk out like that. In a stupor. He'd walked for quite a while in the cold. Then the rain. He had a cough now and his sinuses were all conjested. But he couldn't be sure if it were the emotion of what had been taken from him or having to battle the elements. He really didn't care to figure it out as he stayed in the dark of the damp room he was in. He just didn't want to care.

And then suddenly, he recalled it perfectly. Being with Maxie. It was so sad, but sweet and ....wrong, wasn't it? It had to be. It was suppose to be, yet it wasn't. It felt so right at the time. Like, he couldn't ask for anything better. Maxie was a mate. He'd always been there for him. Really. He'd never asked a think of Ian. Not like Sasha. Not like this hidden agenda of hers. Not that she'd bullied him into anything. But all these secrets to keep hush about. He hated it. He did and yet, he'd kept coming back. Letting her have control. But this with Maxie was quite different. So unlikely. Out of the blue, even.

And as he nursed his upper lip, he'd never been so unsure of himself as he was now. It wasn't suppose to happen, but it did. It couldn't happen again. He was sure of it. He must have been delirious. He didn't have those sort of feeling for Maxie. Did he?

He snuggled his pillow then. Best to keep quiet about it. It was nothing. Nothing at all. Just a kiss. Only they'd multiplied. They'd made out. Right here on this bed. No one to stop him. Why had they stopped? Was it the realization of what happened? Where it could go.

Ian drew in a breath then. He needed Maxie so much and yet he was afraid to see him. He couldn't be here. But he had nowhere else to go.

2 comments:

ellie said...

aw..poor Ian. All those mixed up feelings of his.

Cait said...

Oh Ian..what is he to do?